adapting my identity

The third Safeguarding Children report from the joint chief inspectors was published on 8 July 2008. The report is published every three years under the direction of the eight agencies inspecting prisons, care homes and other institutions involved in child protection. It seeks to assess

* the effectiveness of the overall safeguarding systems and frameworks that are in place
* the wider safeguarding role of public services
* the targeted activity carried out to safeguard vulnerable groups of children. This includes updated evidence on the groups considered in the previous report, including asylum-seeking children, children in secure settings, looked after children and children treated by health services
* the identification of and response to child protection concerns by relevant agencies.



This report found that improvements have been made across a range of objectives but there are still areas of concern. For example, wIth regards to looked after children, they found that 1 in 10 children’s homes and fostering services are not adequately keeping children in their care safe. The inspectors also found that the choice of placement remains limited for most children and some children feel it is hard to influence decisions that involve them. With regard to secure accommodation, it found that the use of restraint was not being recorded or assessed properly and the inspectors made several recommendations for how these issues could be addressed.

The full report can be down loaded here

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Europe to begin investigation of secrecy in family courts. This is brilliant news. Hopefully this will be the start of our children and families finally seeing protection placed exactly where it is needed.

Britain faces an investigation by Europe into secrecy in family courts, amid growing political pressure to overhaul the system.



The Council of Europe has stepped in after allegations that gagging laws designed to protect the rights of children are allowing miscarriages of justice and children to be removed unnecessarily from their parents.

The Times has been running a series of articles this week about the consequences of the system that keeps reporters and the public out of many family court hearings and obstructs people from seeing evidence against them or obtaining copies of judgments. Opponents of the system say that judges can be too ready to side with social workers and experts who want a child removed but whose evidence is rarely made public.

Family courts in England and Wales hear 400,000 cases a year, mostly divorces and child custody cases. In about 20,000 cases a year, however, local councils apply to remove children from parents on the ground that parents are abusive or neglectful.

The council's investigation was initiated by Paul Rowen, the Liberal Democrat MP who is one of Britain's representatives, and will begin in September. It could involve hearings by a committee that will take evidence and be able to visit courts.

It will come at a critical time for campaigners who are fighting to open up the system. The Government has promised to respond to a long-delayed consultation after the summer.

Three years ago the Constitutional Affairs Select Committee said that greater transparency was required and restrictions on the discussion of their cases by parents should be removed entirely.

Moves to open the courts up were quashed by Lord Falconer of Thoroton in one of his final acts as Lord Chancellor in June 2007. He stated that a survey of 200 children had shown that many would be anxious about the presence of the press in the family courts. You can read the full article here

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If any one wants to argue the case for how wonderful adoption is I beg you to read Adoption Undone by Karen Carr. I read this story through a haze of tears and choked with anger. When Karen and Jon Carr adopted four-year-old Lucy as a sister for their six-year-old birth daughter Hannah, they though they'd completed their happy family. But the adoption was fraught with difficulty, and the turmoil that followed brought the whole family to breaking point, forcing Karen and Jon to do the unthinkable.



Once we'd made the decision, we were very excited. We would have a new family, and a sister for Hannah. We'd always wanted another child, a playmate, but by the time we got round to doing anything about it Hannah was six, which we felt was too big an age gap. By adopting, we'd be able to choose a girl just a couple of years younger to be her sister. We thought that, with love, everything would fall into place. We'd just returned from holiday in 1999 when Valerie, the social worker who'd assessed us for adoption, contacted us to say that a child had been identified who matched our hopes: a little girl called Lucy, aged four. Within days, Lucy's social workers were sitting in our living room, drinking tea and discussing her history. We were shown a photo of her aged two, and saw a video of her around the same age. They said she was a bright child and that our situation was ideal because our family replicated her two previous homes, with Lucy being the younger of two sisters. (Lucy had been living with a foster sister, Shahida, who was two years older than her, and she also had an older birth sister, Jade.) We had no reason to doubt this logic. From then on, the introductions had to be done in haste, as her foster carer, Tracy, was being admitted to hospital and the social workers didn't want Lucy going to a new carer for just a few weeks. Instead of the usual fortnight introductory period for adoptions, we were given two days in which to meet and bond with Lucy. Tracy had said that Lucy wouldn't be particularly bothered by the move; she'd walk away without a backward glance. It amazes me now that this wasn't considered a problem. So we met Lucy on the Friday, took her for a picnic on Saturday and on Sunday she came to stay for good. That was it! We didn't know any of her routines, likes or dislikes. It was a huge disruption for her with very little preparation: she'd only been told two days before that a 'new mummy and daddy' had been found for her.
Both Jon and I went into the adoption assuming it would work. We both wanted it 100 per cent. And at the start, Lucy and Hannah seemed to build up a good relationship and would play outdoors together. Things were slightly difficult for Hannah, though, because Lucy felt allegiances to her sister Jade, with whom she still had face-to-face contact, and Hannah felt she was being shut out. Lucy was supposed to meet Jade about five times a year, but if she mentioned she was missing her we'd arrange it – she was her sister, after all.
'When I told Lucy that she had to move out, she just wanted to know when and counted the days on her fingers, "Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday"'
From the start, Lucy was a very demanding child and craved my attention, always wanting to sit on my knee. She was also loud. Day in, day out, it was draining. But what became apparent quite early on was that Lucy and Jon weren't bonding. Their relationship was distant. If we went for a walk, Lucy would always hold my hand, determined to be next to me. Hannah felt sorry for her dad because he was being left out, so she'd take his hand and they'd walk ahead. I'd tell him that he shouldn't let this happen as it just encouraged Lucy's clinginess.
It got to the stage where every night we were arguing about Lucy's behaviour and his reaction to it. After she'd been with us about six months, I rang the social worker for advice about the distance between Jon and Lucy. She said, 'Well, she can't stay there if she's not bonding with one of the parents.' But I was determined to make things work so I reassured her and said, 'Oh, it's OK. I'll make sure she's fine.' So it was left at that.
Lucy had some funny habits. She insisted on wearing short socks all the time, and would put dozens of slides and pony tails in her hair in the morning. It was a constant battle to get her to look more acceptable for school. One day I was trying to negotiate with her, and Jon said, 'You look stupid, Lucy! Take them out!' That evening, I blew up at him, saying that he made things worse by talking like that. He'd sometimes call her a 'nuisance'. He was never cruel to her, but offhand and sharper than with Hannah.
Of course, I didn't help matters by not disciplining Lucy enough. Even when it was her own fault that she fell out with Hannah, Lucy was the one who would end up on my knee. I just felt sorry for her. Jon and I spent hours discussing her, but the arguments were getting worse so, at the end of 1999, we sought support from a charity called After Adoption.
They recommended 're-nurturing' to build an attachment. This meant simulating experiences that occur naturally in birth parent and infant relationships. For example, tightly wrapping Lucy in a shawl and rocking her while keeping eye contact. And giving her a piece of soft cloth to keep in her pocket, which she could touch at any time and know we were thinking of her. It helped up to a point, but Jon felt foolish doing some of the exercises, and didn't feel he should have to work so hard to have a relationship with his daughter.
He really did try. Occasionally he'd spend time playing on the computer with her, and when she was seven he took her on a caravan trip because our After Adoption worker suggested they might both benefit from lengthy quality time together. During this break, Lucy mentioned that she'd noticed he spoke to Hannah differently, and Jon discussed her behaviour with her. When they returned they were both positive and he felt emotionally closer to her. But after a while things just went back to how they were before.
By now, her relationship with Hannah had worsened. There were a couple of incidents at school where Lucy had been incredibly disloyal to Hannah – befriending a girl who'd been mean to her and, along with some other girls, pushing her into the mud while she was wearing her new coat. Although we didn't realise it, Hannah's self-esteem was rapidly declining and she was depressed. She wouldn't play with friends and stayed in her bedroom for hours. She would call herself ugly and fat, and we noticed she wasn't eating much.
I always blamed Jon, not Lucy, for the lack of a bond and now I realise that was unfair. Lucy probably should have had therapy of some sort before coming to us. In hindsight, I think that her abrupt separations – from her birth mum and then her foster mum – led to some sort of attachment disorder, preventing her bonding easily.
We didn't seek help for Lucy till towards the end. The GP referred us to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, but the adoption broke down before that got under way. We were already having family therapy: in fact, despite our problems we decided we wanted another child, and in August 2003 I became pregnant.
Eventually the adoption didn't break down because of Lucy or Jon, but because of what happened to Hannah. Just before Christmas 2003, Hannah showed me a mark that she'd scraped on her stomach with a pen. She sat on my knee and cried, saying that she got worried and angry. She didn't blame Lucy explicitly, but she did say that she liked our time after Lucy had gone to bed the best. I resolved to give Hannah lots of attention over the holidays, and Jon and I decided to take her to the doctor after Christmas.
Then on 10 January 2004, when Lucy was in bed and I was running a bath for myself, Hannah ran ahead of me to jump into my bath water and I saw two new scratch marks on her belly about six inches long. She ran into her room and pulled the quilt over her head and wouldn't speak to me. Eventually I coaxed it out of her. 'I can't hurt Lucy so I hurt myself,' she said. 'If I go to you, you tell me to be more tolerant, and if I go to Dad it starts arguments – so I just hurt myself.'
As I sat crying in the bath, it suddenly became clear. Despite our best intentions, our whole family was in tatters. Hannah was so distraught that she was turning her anger against herself. I told Hannah that night that, despite our attempts to make things better through family therapy, her dad and I had decided that Lucy would have to leave. She was horrified and kept saying, 'She won't go to a children's home, will she?'
I reassured her she wouldn't. Then I told Jon. He protested – he was determined we could make it work – but I threatened to leave with Hannah if he didn't agree. The truth is that my need to protect Hannah overrode my need to care for Lucy.
It took a month for Lucy to leave because, at first, the local authorities said we just needed support. We discovered later that they didn't believe what we told them about Hannah, and were convinced that we wanted Lucy to go because I was pregnant with a 'miracle baby'. They didn't realise I'd always been able to conceive and had chosen to adopt instead.
Eventually, Jon threatened to bring Lucy to their offices and leave her there. The result of this was that they rang one Friday and said, 'OK, we'll come and get her on Monday.' In tears, I begged for more time to prepare her but they were adamant. So, again, she was to have an abrupt separation.
It was the worst day of my life when I had to tell Lucy she was leaving. I was crying and saying, 'I'm so sorry, Lucy,' and she said, 'Do I have to move?' She'd guessed.
When I said 'yes' she just wanted to know when, and counted the days on her fingers, 'Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday.' Then she said, 'I thought I was going to stop breathing and die when you said that.'
I said it was because of her dad's relationship with her – which I know was wrong, but we didn't want her blaming herself and we were trying to keep Hannah out of it. We didn't want either girl to blame the other. Over that weekend, Lucy's reactions changed constantly. She'd been told that the reason her birth mother couldn't look after her was because she was ill. 'But you're not ill!' she'd say to us, accusingly. Then she'd wonder about the place she was going to and was almost excited, saying, 'They might have loads of money.'
On the day, Hannah decided she wanted to go to school but Lucy stayed at home. We must have spent a great part of that day packing, but it's a blur to me now. My only recollections are of Lucy sitting next to me on the sofa and asking me the time frequently, and then asking, 'So how long have I got left?'
At 4pm two social workers arrived to take Lucy. Then she was gone. I used to say I don't feel guilty, because guilt is attached to wrongdoing. But I did and still do. And I grieved. I noticed a massive gap after she left.
In hindsight, there were some crucial errors that meant the adoption was bound to fail. The two-day introductory period just wasn't enough. Also, although we knew that Lucy was used to being the younger sister when she came to us, we didn't realise that she'd had two very competitive relationships with older girls.
Her birth sister Jade was allowed contact with their mum while she wasn't (because Jade was six years older and the court ruled that her attachment was therefore greater); that must have made her feel terrible. Then there was an older girl in Lucy's foster family, Shahida, whom her foster carer was adopting; again Lucy must have felt unwanted. She should never have been placed in another family with an older sister. We later found out that in the last year Jade had been passing her messages from their birth mum saying that they were her real family and that one day they'd all be together. Jade's influence must have confused Lucy about her sense of identity and who she really belonged to. Jon firmly believes that, had she not maintained contact with Jade, everything might have been different.
I'm still very pro-adoption. For many children it provides years of fulfilling unconditional family love. But anyone considering it should arm themselves with as much background information on the child as possible, and make sure the introduction period is handled properly. Wanting to do 'good' is not enough.
Lucy is with a different foster carer now but still feels like our absent daughter. Because we adopted her legally, we continue to hold parental responsibility for her, but it's not in any real sense, just on paper. She's 12, which makes her chances of being adopted by anyone else very slim as people tend to want younger children. We send birthday and Christmas cards but last year didn't get a response. I've been told that she talks about us affectionately, but who knows? We've since had Macy, who is four, and Hannah is now 14.
In Lucy's file we've placed a letter saying that if she ever wants to contact us we'd like to hear from her. Perhaps the story has not ended after all.
All names have been changed. Karen Carr's book, Adoption Undone, is available from baaf.org.uk for £7.95. For more information on adoption, visit BAAF's website or call 020 7421 2600
There is so much I want to say about this story but I don't want to respond to it with a rant of anger and venom towards the vile selfish adopters. The point is this isn't just a story, this is a child's life. No thought or consideration was given to her needs and interests. This was a child who was little more than a designer convenience to fill a selfish whim.
Every single person involved in the child's adoption, from the adopters to case workers and agencies should be charged with child neglect. Right down the line people neglected to protect her best interests. What is the saddest reflection of all is that without exception from the adopters down to the officials on every level all feel a tremendous sadness and all have praise for the adopters bravery and courage in telling the 'raw' and honest account of their heart ache.?? Anger, WHY are there no feelings of anger.
Am I really just a hurt and bitter angry adoptee... NO, and that I am sure about. These people didn't only crush this child's mind and heart they have gone on to make money out of the situation in the form of a book.
Adoption is wrong.

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Malawi, not a signed member of the Hague convention agreement. Malawi does have one adoption 'law'. The adoptive parents must be from Malawi or spend at least 18 months as residents of the country. Madonna and Guy spent nine days in total.

Child trafficking and illegal adoptions would fail to exist without the people eager to take these children. More and more countries are realizing the importance of protecting the rights of children and are joining the Hague convention.

It is time to ask, did these celebrities choose their countries of adoption through ignorance or did they choose them because they could take their pick with rapid collection. All that's left now is to see who wins their latest purchase in the divorce settlement.

[ Source:www.nowmagazine.co.uk ]

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Next month will mark the 17th anniversary of Ben Needhams abduction. July 24th 1991 21 month old Ben was abducted from outside his family home on the Greek Island of Kos.

Ben's' family haven't been abandoned by the UK Government in their search for Ben. The UK Government has NEVER shown any interest or inclination to support the family.


Three Priministers later and still nothing. John Major, Tony Blair and now Gordon Brown, doing sod all to help a UK citizen.

Abduction for the purpose of illegal adoption is not some far fetched mystical Greek legend. The trade in illegal adoptions is Greek fact. A Greek fact that no one seems prepared to confront.

Gordon Brown and his fellow parliamentary haven't been afraid to interfere in Portuguese law nor have they been shy in showing support towards official suspects in a child abduction case. 17 years is long enough to ignore the plight of one of its' own children.

It's time our Government left the Portuguese authorities to continue unhindered in their criminal investigations. Instead they need to offer Ben's family the full backing and support of their country and develop a firm relationship with Greece to ensure that every possible avenue is explored and explored again until Ben's' whereabouts are known.

For anyone who finds themselves in Greece this year I ask you to please keep Ben in your thoughts. Of course Ben is not that chubby faced baby any more, he is a young man. The image below is a likeness of how Ben should look now.
http://www.benneedham.net/index.htm

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MTV are about to promote adoption!

ACT NOW

We try so hard to have our voices heard, yet no one listens. Short of crying tears of blood I am at a loss of what to do. Here is the email I have copied from writing my wrongs outlining MTVs plans.
NCFA Lends a Helping Hand to MTV’s True Life Adoption Documentary

The National Council For Adoption is lending a helping hand to the producers of an adoption documentary for the successful and popular MTV’s True Life series. Previous True Life documentaries have dealt with substantial subjects such as autism, schizophrenia, and war-weary veterans returning from Iraq.

The adoption documentary will follow three or four young unwed birthmothers on video as they go through difficult and emotional decisions in developing adoption plans for their babies.



According to the show’s producers, the goals of the True Life adoption documentary are "to help de-stigmatize the adoption process and to show that adoption is a choice that loving, responsible mothers make when they believe it’s best for their child. We also hope to express the range of emotions birth mothers feel as they go through this process."

These goals coincide with the mission of NCFA’s new iChooseAdoption public awareness campaign to "create a more pro-adoption culture in which everyone, including women facing unplanned pregnancies, can consider adoption freely without fear, bias, or misunderstanding" and to "promote a culture that respects and appreciates birth mothers, honors their decision-making process, and supports their choice of adoption."

MTV is conducting a nationwide search for prospective birth mothers for the True Life adoption documentary.

If you know of any expectant birth mother who you feel would make a good candidate for this documentary, please contact the producers directly at adoption@mtvstaff.com, or by calling 718-422-0705.

We expect the True Life show to bring the adoption process more into the public limelight and provide a viable and important link to the target audience we are trying to reach with our iChooseAdoption message, namely young unwed expectant birth mothers who are facing difficult decisions concerning the future of their babies.

Thank you.

Chuck Johnson

We have to be the voice for these babies. Adoption hurts children, we know because those hurt children live inside us. The influential rich and famous are doing a good enough job already when it comes to promoting ignorance. I'm sick of seeing celebrities swinging their latest purchase on their hips. The money they paid to buy their 'must have' ethnic baby, could, if they truly cared, probably have supported the baby and its entire village for a lifetime.

Obviously bored with the multicultural theme another trend needs to be found. Once again the words 'best interest of the child' will be used to exploit and damage the lives of so many. For what? entertainment.

Please email Chuck Johnson at adoption@mtvstaff.com and make your voice heard.

Here is the email that I have sent:

Chuck;

I'm writing from the UK with regards to your True Life
adoption documentary. Please, if you genuinely care
about the emotional and long term well being of
mothers and children don't help to promote adoption.

The Internet is full of yesterdays adoptees all trying so
hard to be heard. We come from all over the world, all
walks of life, all religions and one thing in common.
Hurt.

Adoption is not about children nor is it about the
loving selfless act of a responsible woman acting in
her child's best interest. I wont use the word birth
mother because if you look into the history of adoption
you will discover that 'birth mother' was manufactured
for the purpose of letting the mother know that 'birth'
was where her role ended. It was also to reinforce the
idea that the adoptive mother was the real mother.

Adoption for a child and mother is about loss. While
the adoptive family celebrate their joy at becoming a
family, somewhere there is a mother crying. All the
love in the world does not stop the empty feeling that
grows stronger with time in the child.

Please take the time to listen to other adult adoptees.
The full impact of adoption only surfaces when we are
adults.

I would also ask you to consider what effect your
documentary will have on the children involved. I cant
emphasise enough the pain that we go through
searching for answers. No adoptee should have to sit
and watch that moment of separation. Adoptees don't
just hurt for themselves, they hurt for every tear their
mother might of shed.

Thank you for your time.

tina

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The UK Government and local authorities have, for the past 3 years denied setting adoption targets.

10th March 2008 the London Borough of Hammersmith announced: they are pleased to get £500,000 from the government for hitting the government adoption target of 101 adoptions.

The Government target, known as a Local Public Service Agreement (LPSA), challenged the Council to successfully achieve 101 adoptions or secure placements during the last three year period in return for £500,000 of funding.

Once again our Government told no lies. Once again the have they have scrapped an offending act and immediately reintroduced it with a different title.

Society in general has undergone many changes over the years. Like wise Government spin have also changed to reflect this. The one thing that hasn't changed over time is the UKs Governments ability to decieve in order to do what ever it feels like.

http://johnhemming.blogspot.com/

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At the end of the last year I was ready to give up. Not kill myself. Just give up. I was sick of how I was feeling, I was hurting proper bad. My eating disorder had come back with a vengeance and I just felt alone and stupid.

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that people who supposedly loved me convinced me 100% that I was borderline schizophrenic rather than be honest with me and also allow me to keep what where in fact memories. I often have to stop and remind myself that I am not nuts and that people are not noticing that I am (hard to explain). Christmas gave me a much needed wake up call. My daughter had asked me what her friend had said when she called at the house few days earlier. I couldn't remember word for word but told her she was going to call again on xmas day.Ten minutes later my daughter came back in and asked me if I was sure that she had said xmas day. That was it. My head started working over time. Questions, questions, questions. Had she said xmas day or had i imagined it. As quick as I went into 'disguise my panic' mode I was snapped back out of it... By my daughter. 'mum switch ya head off cos ya not mad she probably did say that'.What a fuck up! My own daughter having to remind me I'm not mad (or ever was). That's just not right. My weight was 6st 1lb I cried more than I smiled and instead of time healing me it was consuming me. Why, What for? A past I can never change. I know I wont be able to control those lapses in believing in myself over night, God I have lived since I was 16 trying to avoid people from noticing and knowing I was mad , in fact I had done such a good job of it people thought I was really level headed and had my head screwed on! fuck me though I did, I just didn't know it. However much it hurts sometimes the fact is I will never get justice and I will never have my childhood back,The two things I need. Looking at it like that tells me I am null and void because if there is a purpose to life then my purpose was a red herring and my wounds wont heal till my reason for being and purpose touch. I don't want to be null OR void. I want to be someone. I'm not asking to be any one special, just someone. Me. I just want to be me. Valid. I'm not going to give up because there is a purpose,guarded by government but a real purpose. My purpose has to be this:- The hope and possibility for healthier and happier minds for today's kids. I want politicians to start waking up and realise what pain they are storing up for our kids and actually listen and hear and above all understand that WE are the living breathing result of their false beliefs and mistakes of the past. Let them try and tell me that my hurt and the hurt of every misplaced, separated abused or mistreated child of their past is not important enough to learn from and to change. My reason:- Validation for all the children that cry inside us.

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I have been surfing the net most of the day, nothing unusual there haha... Oh... but there was! I came across something that has had me bursting out laughing ever since...

Now I have know idea who wrote this I found it on the front page of link
Family Pages. Here goes, this is it.

But oh,the laughing children,whose hearts have been set free;
when the gate swings wide to heaven,
I can take them in with me!

Sorry I am still laughing. It has struck me that maybe it's me... Maybe I am more twisted than the author! The name of the site 'forever families' (I went to it thinking it was a humorous adoptee blog) misled me (not a hard thing to do) but I quickly realised it is serious. I couldn't get past the front page for fear of wetting myself! So I know I am not supposed to find it funny. I take adoption matters very serious. In adoptee city the majority of us have a wicked sense of humour but their is an unwritten rule (not sure that's the right term... it will do) fellow adoptees can make jokes about adoption and we just 'get it' if the same thing was said in a light hearted way by a none adoptee a siren goes off in our heads! and we are genuinely offended, I'm saying we but I could well be more delusional than I think! Normally I would be highly offended to read that any child was thought of as having been scooped up from the gutter. I'm laughing again. Do people really think 'arh that's lovely' after reading such drivel haha. Please someone anyone, I don't even care if you are madder than me, please tell me you found it funny.
I have printed it off and hung it on my wall. Whenever I find myself getting too serious and deflated about adoption I will just read the poem.

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